p1d2

Yesterday I thought I would just do one load day and start the diet today, but I decided to day that I want to do this right, so p1d2.  So far so good, I really don't have much of an appetite and Im really just ready to jump in to this thing and get going.  Im motivated and alot wiser this time around.  That and I understand why I've put on the weight...understanding has helped me work through that and move past it.  I had a long talk with the hubby as well and he is being supportive this time around. 
I think that it is important for all those that are and have been struggling with weight to understand why.  I think that in order for a diet to truly work you have to find out what the problem was, otherwise it will happen again. I don't mind putting mine here..more for me as a reflection point for myself.

I have always been an emotional eater.  I can remember being a younger kid and sneaking into the pantry to binge on the snack cakes and candies that were supposed to be for our lunches.  I was always a chunky kid, but really didn't notice because it had really never occured to me.  It wasn't until my Freshman year in High School that that changed.  It all came about when my step-dad took me in to get my sports physical (I played Volleyball, Basketball and Track).  It all went fine until I got home and my mother asked me how much I weighed.  I spouted off "150" and she just gave me this horrible open mouthed stare and just said my name like she had just stuck her tongue in vinegar.  I went from not caring and being excited about the fact that I was 5'10 (lol) to feeling a sense of shame and panic. Like there was something wrong with me because I wasn't like her.  Mommy dearest was a very short, very petite person that ate like a bird and lived off of iced tea and ciggarettes.  Thank God I never started smoking.....
Anyway, I spent the next 4 years of high school starving myself.  "Accidentally" ran out of time in the mornings and couldn't eat breakfast, couldn't eat lunch at school because basketball practice "ran over".  I had an excuse for EVERYTHING.  Couldn't eat candy because of a "toothache".  Then I started purging.  I'd eat half an apple and throw it up.  Drink a soda, throw it up.  By the time it was all said and done, I'd grown another inch and lost 35lbs.  By the time I graduated, I weighed in at a 'hefty" 115lbs and I was THRILLED.  I still felt a bit chunky, but relished in the comments people would make. "She's too thin, she must have an eating disorder, her BONES are sticking out!!!"  Comments that should have bothered me were like a trophy at the end of a race...and I had won them.  Little did I know that that behavior would be the start of one hell of an up-scale battle.
Around that time I met my exhusband who took it upon himself to "fatten me up" because he felt I was too thin.  He'd take me to restaurants and order things for me that would clog the arteries of anyone.  It was nice to have attention...up til then I rarely had that.  I steadily started gaining weight until I really lost track and didn't care anymore.  I quit getting on the scale 30 times in a row just to make sure it hadn't gone up.  It wasn't until I found out that I was pregnant that I started worrying again.  I went through my pregnancy eating everything in sight, but would have to get weighed backwards at the Dr office because I would have a melt down on the scale.  At the end of my pregnancy I was up to 250lbs.  I was horrified, ashamed and so depressed I couldn't stand it.  I never saw 115lbs again.  I ended up getting back to about 180lbs 15 months later, and then got pregnant with my little girl.  I ballooned up again to 240lbs and again felt worthless.  After I delivered her I started crash dieting, popping diet pills like skittles, exercised here and there...but honestly at that point the depression was so bad I don't think much could help me.  I yo-yo'd in weight up and down for years after that. 
Then I hit about 168lbs in 2007 and a friend of my ex's told me I was beautiful.  I didn't know how to react because that wasn't something I was used to hearing.  My ex would tell me he loved my breasts...but apparently that was all I was.  I was beautiful?  Me?  I lost a few more lbs....guys would turn around and look at me when we went somewhere.  My self esteem went from 0 to soaring.  I started dressing differently because I wanted the attention.  I needed it.  I needed someone to tell me I was worth something...and I'd rather be a piece of meat than worthless.  I started working out...More compliments.  Then I got the job of my dreams..I figured even though my marriage was in the ground, at least I was making something of myself. Then I met a man that I worked with that said ALL the right things.  Told me I was beautiful, smart, funny and that any man would be lucky....and that he loved me.  Wow.  OF course, me being the idiot I am, I fell for it. Big time.  the love I felt I had NEVER had was there and I wanted it.  And it cost me everything.  I divorced my husband, lost my kids, was homeless, lost my job...I had no one, no family, no friends..I was alone.  Here came the depression again.  I missed my kids, I hated myself, I felt worthless.  I was suicidal, I cut, and I ATE.  I ate everything in sight because honestly, if I was fat I wouldn't have to get my heart broken again by some guy that said I was beautiful.  I ballooned up to about 180-190lbs...and was right back in hell.
I eventually met my new husband and started turning around again...and we got pregnant on our wedding night (lol, Im serious)  I ballooned up to about 240 again...but this time the weight hasnt come off very well.  I still hide behind my weight, and it does affect my marriage.  I don't commit completely because Im afraid of getting hurt, I am in alot of pain because I don't have my kids.  I'm still depressed.  I am NOT suicidal, I do NOT cut anymore...but I do hurt.
I weighed 219 when I woke up this morning.
I want this to be the last time I see that number.
I realize now that hiding behind my weight does not help anything.  It doesn't take the pain away, it doesnt solve my problems, and it sure doesn't bring my children back.  It doesn't comfort me at night, and guess what.....my husband loves me no matter what that damn scale says.  I am not going to chase him off by getting fat.  I've never been addicted to a drug in my life, but I've been addicted to food...and I have to stop.  I have to let go of the things that keep me down.  I have to learn to at least like myself again.  I have to remember who I was before I lost myself.
I've got alot of work to do.  I'm going to need help and support to do it.
Here goes.