Adjusting

"You would be absolutely beautiful...if you lost some weight."  "If you are unhappy with how much you weigh, how come you just don't lose some weight?'

I swear to you, if I hear one more person say something like that to me again...You'll see me on the news going down for homicide.  Its as if this person in my life thinks I'm oblivious to the fact that I've gained weight.  Apparently he thinks that I do not own mirrors, or put on my clothing, or that my knees and back aren't suffering...or maybe that I look at myself and vomit.  Apparently those things never crossed his mind.  Paging captain obvious.
Yes, I KNOW that I used to be in really good shape.
Yes, I KNOW that I used to be generally more attractive.

However....

Since when did I become discounted as a human being just because I gained weight?  Apparently my feelings flew out the door with my size 4 jeans....
Sigh.  Yes, I'm angry with him for pointing out the obvious, but I'm more angry with myself.  Where in the hell did I go?  I make that statement not just about my physical appearance, but also about Me as a person.  I sit here typing and I have to tell you that I'm talking about myself like I'm someone else...I've lost all connection with Me.  Who I was, What I stood for, where I was going...now its like I just read all of that somewhere and it never happened.  Now I just sit at home, in my pj's...typically don't talk to anyone unless my sister calls me...I don't feel human.  I eat when I'm bored, which face it, is often.  I used to have substance...opinions...dreams.
Now I dream of  a dryer that works.
I used to be the girl that people thought was going somewhere...I didn't.
They all thought I'd be something..I don't think the ugly fat blob on the computer was what they had in mind.
It sure wasn't what I had in mind.
I don't really even have a name anymore lol  I'm either "mom" or "hey babe can you".  Its been a while since I've heard my name spoken lol  (i laugh only because....hell I don't know why I'm laughing.)

I tried talking to my husband about this and all he could reply was, well I like you the way you are.
Of course you do! I cook, clean, fold laundry, and listen to you talk.

grr.

anyway, onward to other things....
We finally got some rain around here and I must say I'm thrilled.  Its a blessing to be out of that heat and dry spell.  I'm thinking that Fall is knocking on the door, so to speak.  I almost think that Fall may be my favorite holiday...not only because of the cooler tempuratures, but because of the crispness of everything.  The vibrancy of the colors.  My favorite smell in the world is that earthy cinnamon smell.  Not the commercialized candy cinnamon, but the actual cinnamon.  That earthy, almost like dried leaves but with a hint of spice, smell.  I think if I could fill my whole house with that smell I'd be set.  Unfortunatley Walmart doesn't carry that brand of candle lol
I'm also looking forward to taking Bryce for walks during the day.  I always avoided walking when I lived in the metroplex because I couldn't stand the idea of people driving by looking at me while i jiggled...its like, what facial expression do you keep while walking...and then you try to walk all cute...which just hurts your feet and makes you look like a duck with a stick up your butt.
Out here, it doesn't matter what I wear, doesn't matter if I just throw a ball cap over my unbrushed hair.  I can just GO.
Just as soon as it isn't 100 degrees.
I need ideas for how to break a rut.  I need someone to tell me what my hobbies are.  You know I can't even tell you what my favorite color is?  I've spent my whole life just trying to adjust to what everyone I care about likes that I don't know anything about me.
My ex husband's favorite food was Chinese, his favorite color was blue....those were my favorites too.
Shane's favorite color is green, his favorite food is probably sushi... those are mine.
But they aren't.
I don't think I really even LIKE sushi.  Actually, I'm pretty certain I don't. I don't like fish.
(I do like the philly rolls though...)

I just don't really even know where to start, but I'm a damn mess that I need to clean up.