Shipman's Place

Its hard to believe that he and I have been together now for over a year.  Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that my life was in a tailspin, falling apart right in front of me.  I don't know what the hell happened, just one day it all came undone.  If it weren't for Shane I'd still be out of control.  I'd still be self destructing.  Man I was a mess.
I would like to think that I've learned from the things I"ve gone through.  I would like to think that I've grown since then.  I know that the cost of it all was far greater than what I wanted to pay.  In ways it was worth it.  I got away from a toxic relationship (or two), but it cost me my children.  That was a price too steep...and then if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have Bryce.  Good Lord, how the hell am I supposed to feel about anything anymore?

Who knows...but one thing I DO know is that I don't want to go back to that place anymore.  I don't want to go back to not giving a damn about anyone including myself.   I don't want to go back to looking for ways to screw my life up anymore.  I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime and some.  I don't want to be the person that used people just because I could. I don't want to be the person that got lost in things that made me less of a person.  I don't want to be in the hell i was in.
And still I feel it every once in a while.  That need to just go completely fucking crazy.  Just let go and whatever happens, happens.  Sometimes the thoughts that no one gives a damn about what I do and who I am creeps back in.  Sometimes that feeling of "Im not worth it" shows back up.  I think the big difference this time is I've quit drinking.  I drank to run from Richard.  I drank to forget.  I drank so I COULD lose control.  I'm not that same person anymore.  I sure don't want to be.  My kids deserve better than that.  Shane does too. 
Sometimes I feel bad because Shane really has no clue what I'm capable of doing.  He has no idea what I've gone through, the things I've seen, the things I've done.  I've done a pretty damn good job at locking that all up somewhere dark.  Does that make me a terrible person?  I like to think that everyone has a little bit of dark in them somewhere.  That everyone has demons that they have to battle with.  Or maybe I'm just f'ing psycho...either way....

The good news is that i AM in control.  Or at least I've convinced myself of that for now...