Overcaffeinated...but happy

today is day 1 of the vlcd and I have to say, I'm fairly motivated.  I thought I'd be feeling blah or cranky, but I actually feel pretty darn good.
Things have been alright around here lately, nothing too significant really to report, but at least no drama lol  I've redecorated my life and I can say for sure that this is much better.  To come from a place of constant chaos and transition to where I am now is very nice.

I've been looking around town for a pumpkin patch for Bryce.  I never got to take David and Jenna to one to get their pictures taken, but I am determined to do so with Bry-Bry.  Of course, no one I ask seems to know where i can find one, so it looks like I'm going to have to buy every damn pumpkin at the store and make my own.  This town needs more things for young families!!!!!
But I guess that's what you trade when you move to a small town.
Ive been looking in to finding a job.  I hate the fact that I need to do this, but it is neccessary.   We just can't make it on one income anymore and I want more for my son.  I don't really need extras, it would just be nice to make ends meet.
Ever notice how when you think you can make ends meet, someone goes and moves the damn ends?!? lol

Otherwise, things are good.  My husband, despite the idiotic things he sometimes does, has been wonderful to me lately.  He says he wants to treat me better...I just like being seen as  a person. lol  Maybe if that would have happened the first time around...but I'm glad it didn't, neither one of us really loved each other.  Not the way it should have been.
I've been doing alot of reflecting these past few weeks.  Thinking about things that have led my life to where it is now.  It all boils down to this.

Richard,
If anyone would have told either one of us that our lives would end up the way they have, I don't think we would have believed it.  I can remember the day we met, it seems like that was another life, another person ago.  Both of us jumped into a relationship, clouded by ideals that we thought were actual reality.  We got caught up in the "puppy love" and never really thought that things like this could have happened....and we got lost somewhere along the way.  You lost sight of who you were, as did I.
I'm not going to sit here and point out things you did wrong.  We're past the bashing now.  The war's over, in some ways Im sure you feel you won, you always were that type.  You treat life as though it comes straight out of the AoW text.  I hope you've learned to see past that these days.
I will not say that the end of our marriage was a terrible mistake on my part.  We both needed out of it. I will say that the way I went about it was wrong.  I caused hurt that I should not have caused.  Walking away would have been less horrible.  For that, and that alone, I am sorry.  We had too much baggage to continue, and neither one of us knew how to get out.
I'm done with the drama.  I don't want to hate you anymore and in fact, I don't.  It would be misguided of me to hate the man that helped me create two beautiful children, and I respect you as such.  I've let it go, as I am sincerely hoping you have done as well.  The truth is that neither side won this, and our kids are the ones that have lost.  That is something you will have to address when they are older.  And they will force you to address it.  No matter what substitutions you've made, no matter what stories you've told.  I speak from experience, as I deal with it with my mother and father.
Its time to lay it down.  Its time to move on.  I hope that you've grown from our mistakes, as I have.
I hope that you have found happiness that all people deserve.  I hope that this time around you've done things differently, in order to hang on to what matters.
I wish you well.  I truly do.  I wish you prosperity, love, happiness.  I pray that you are cherishing your time with our children, as I wish I could do.  I do and always will love them, even if you've decided I can't be with them.  There will come a day for that...even if I have to wait years.
Take care of yourself, cherish your family, and may God bless you.  Know that every day you are blessed to wake up to two of the most beautiful miracles that could ever have been created. Live for them. Care for them.  Teach them to grow and love, do not teach them to fear that love.  Do not let your demons cloud their innocence. Do not let our failed marriage be something you teach them to expect.  Make sure you guide them in their lives, do not let them grow up witnessing anger.  Put your children above all else, making sure that the decisions you make are truly for them, and not yourself.
They are precious, and deserving of everything good that life has to give them.
And they are my heart.