insert big smile here. and "here" too.

You realize how hard it is to come up with a title for blogs?  Like getting my thoughts down wasn't hard enough. LOL!

I've been MIA for a bit.  No, the world didn't stop turning, no tragedy struck, I wasn't sick, or internet-less (its a word.)
I just...had better things to do.
I remember not too many posts ago when I said something about not remembering what I used to like to do.  What I used to enjoy..just for me.  I remembered something, and it happened by accident.
I got lost in a book this weekend.  It was a Nora Roberts book, it was cheesy and predictable...but it was MY activity and I relished in it.  Friday night Shane came home from work carrying this little paperback, found it at a sno-cone stand and just thought maybe I'd like it.  I set it aside because he and I were going out that night, just the two of us.  Little man was going to spend the night at his Uncle's house.  We had a wonderful night, dinner and just talking.  It was nice to get to act like a grown up, and he and I were able to take the time to enjoy each other...something that had been lacking since the birth of our son.  The next day, we woke up at 10am (!!!) and headed out to play some disc golf.  That's his thing, not really mine, but we had fun doing it.  We picked short stuff up from Uncle's house and we came home, had a nice family dinner and played with whatever toys and funny things we could find.  Later that evening, I just kind of felt like making myself a good cup of my favorite coffee, in my favorite coffee mug (lol) and I sat down with the book after Bryce went to sleep.  I flipped open the first page...and got lost.  It was one of those reads where it is interesting, and interesting to dive in to.  I knew how it would end...I have that curse I guess...but to just immerse myself...just for me...it just clicked.  I was enjoying something.  Something that had nothing to do with trying to pretend to like something for my spouse..or present company.  This was just ME.  And I loved it.  No one could jump in and take it over, no one could do it for me.  And for once, I didn't feel selfish for wanting that "me" time.  Shane watched a football game, I read my book.
And relaxed.
I feel like the past few years have been one big tensed up, tangled knot.  I feel like I go through the motions and just skip over the parts that hurt, because if I ignore them...they fade out.  I don't want to be numb anymore.  I don't want to ignore the good parts right along with the bad just because I don't want to remember.  I want to be ME again.
And it took reading a small paperback sno-cone stand book to realize that.

And you know what?  I didn't binge today.  I didn't cry today.  I'm actually smiling as I type this.  I feel human...not like that monster I had conjured up in my head.

I'm Happy.