update of sorts

Out here time just sort of runs together.  Its so quiet out here, not that I even remotely mind.  I really needed to be able to slow everything down and just breathe for a while.  Bryce loves it too.  He gets to play outside, the air is clean and he can sit in the grass and play.  He grows so quickly I can hardly believe he's the same sick little boy that spent weeks in the nicu.  Everything he does just seems like magic.  He reminds me so much of David and Jenna, God I miss them.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about them.  How are they? Are they well taken care of??  I wonder what they like to do, what their favorite foods are?  I used to be able to answer those questions without thinking twice, now I don't know.  That hurts.  I'm sure their father will tell tehm that I walked out on them.  Im sure he will tell them that I never cared at all.  The truth is that I don't have the money to do what they want me to do.  I've tried.  The truth is that I love those kids with everything in me.  I'd die for them, I'd live for them.  And they are gone.  I want Bryce to grow up with his brother and sister.but no one ever asked me what I wanted. They just took what they could and spit me out.
On to other things.
I find it strange that I don't remember much of my life.  Things I should know, stories I should be able to tell, I can't  I honestly don't remember.  I can't remember the person I used to be, I can't remember things I used to like to do.  If I see a picture I can generally piece a story together.  I just don't remember.  I've sat around trying to force myself to remember people and places, but I can't.  This is not to say that I remember nothing.  I have some memories, they just don't make much sense and I don't understand why.  What the hell is wrong with me?
I can't remember much at all about Richard.  I can't remember his favorite color, foods he liked.  I can't remember being intimate with him...not once.  I know I did because we have children, but I don't remember. I honestly can't remember things we liked to do together, I can't remember places we liked to do.  I can't remember ever loving Richard, and as much as I dislike that man I find that disturbing.  We should have had...something.  Its like a  6 year chunk of my life is just gone. What else don't I remember. ?  I can't remember much about my mother either. I can't remember what she liked to do.  WTF.